


i wonder why i tear myself down (to be built back up again)

by fairyy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Friends to Lovers, M/M, and phil has magic, dan makes coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 11:37:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20834825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyy/pseuds/fairyy
Summary: Phil keeps his thumbs in the belt loops of his jeans, his hands twisted forward. It looks quite awkward, he’s told, but he never quite knows what to do with his hands.the neighbours, coffeeshop, and magic au that no one wanted.





	i wonder why i tear myself down (to be built back up again)

**Author's Note:**

> written for the phandom big bang. 
> 
> thank you to my beta [tara](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com) and artist [elina](https://phangerous.tumblr.com) for being so lovely to work with.
> 
> title from false confidence by noah kahan.

Phil keeps his thumbs in the belt loops of his jeans, his hands twisted forward. It looks quite awkward, he’s told, but he never quite knows what to do with his hands.

Especially in situations like this. Seeing this many people at once isn’t something he’s bound to do anymore. He thinks he can handle it just fine, until he gets out and would rather not handle it at all.

The cool October air makes an appearance, ruffling his hair. He runs his hands through it, trying not to mess up his quiff too terribly. It’s too late now, he thinks.

-

As he’s on his way home, he decides to stop at the Starbucks by his flat. He just wants a coffee, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter that it’ll be his third one of the day.

It certainly has nothing to do with a certain curly haired, brown eyed barista with dimples.

He takes a breath and walks in. It still makes him nervous sometimes, a bit uneasy.

Dan perks up when he walks in. There aren’t many people in the shop on a Wednesday afternoon.

“Hi,” Dan says.

“Hi,” Phil says. “Can I get a... pumpkin spice latte?”

“Really? Are you actually- do you know how many pumpkin spice lattes I’ve had to make today? Fuck.”

“Dan,” Phil starts, gently. “This is a Starbucks.”

“How many coffees have you had already?”

Phil waves his hand around. “It doesn’t matter.”

Dan looks like he’s trying very hard to act annoyed, but the corner of his mouth lifts up. Phil’s heart does a fluttery thing.

“I could always leave.”

“Oh whatever, fine. You win. One bloody pumpkin spice latte for Phil.”

“Thanks!” Phil says, as he slides the money over the counter. Their hands brush as Dan gives the change back. Phil pretends he didn’t notice.

He walks over to a table near the counter while he waits for his drink, and drums his fingers on the surface absentmindedly.

He always feels a bit out of place, people have always taken him as a bit odd. He’s learned not to let it bother him over the years, and he managed to make a fair share of friends at uni, but it’s hard to shake the feelings that follow him around. He doesn’t speak to those friends much anymore.

But Dan, however, seems to like Phil as he is. Phil likes it. He likes it a lot, if he’s honest. He’s trying to be more honest with himself.

“Here you go,” Dan says, placing his drink on the counter. “Have your capitalist sugar monstrosity.”

“I’m sure customers love you criticizing their orders.”

Dan groans. “I’ve been here too long. Let me at least have this.”

Phil grabs the cup in his hand. They both linger there for a bit.

“Are you staying?” Dan asks.

Phil wants to, for Dan, he really does. But he’s been out of the house for a while, and a group of teenagers have just walked in.

He shakes his head. “I have a lot to do.” He tries not to let Dan’s disappointment get to him. “I’ll see you later though, if you want.”

“Alright. Let me know?” Dan asks as he goes back over to the register.

“Yeah.”

Phil walks out and ignores the massive headache threatening to form. He takes a sip of his coffee. It doesn’t help, but it’s the little things sometimes. It looks like it’s going to rain, so he quickens his pace.

-

He hates the four flights of stairs he has to take to get to his flat. He’s not the most fit, and he’d be the first to admit that he’s quite clumsy.

But he’s seen Dan trip on the stairs more than once, so he can’t talk.

Phil fumbles getting his keys out, then unlocks his door. His flat is kind of shit, but it’s his and he’s paying for it, so he tries not to complain too much.

And it has Dan. That’s probably one of the only good things about the building, the boy who lives in his building.

The houseplants in his flat are, surprisingly, thriving at the moment. Phil could use magic to keep them thriving all the time, but he’s not the best at it. It takes a lot more energy than he feels he has to give.

It’s a nice sight to come home to, he will admit. It makes him feel a little less lonely, as sad as that sounds. He decides not to think about it too much.

Phil has a lot to do. The dishes have piled up in the sink and he needs to do a load of laundry. He has someone’s video to edit as well, and he’s hungry.

His opens his fridge, only to see that he’s running out of options to choose from. He’ll have to run to Tesco soon. He has some pasta in the cupboard, but not anything to go with it. Maybe he could order a pizza and have Dan come over.

He decides to use magic, just this once, he tells himself, to help with the dishes, especially if Dan might come over. He still has half his latte left if he feels too drained afterwards.

He shoves his laundry basket in the back corner of his bedroom. He’ll do it tomorrow, he decides.

He chugs down the rest of his coffee. It doesn’t help.

-

Two hours later, his phone buzzes. He picks it up right away. There aren’t very many people trying to reach him these days. Generally, it’s either Dan or his mum. He hopes it’s the former.

It’s Dan. _hey_

_Hello_, Phil types back. He waits a moment before sending _Do you want to come over? I’ve ordered a pizza_

_yes pls_

A few minutes later, there’s a knock at Phil’s door. He wipes his hands on his jeans as he walks over to open it.

As expected, Dan’s stood on the other side. His curls look extra defined, and he has a small hoop in one ear. Phil thinks he’s very cute.

“I was promised pizza,” Dan says as he walks into the flat. Phil sort of likes how comfortable Dan is in Phil’s space now.

“Here,” Phil says, as they sit down on the sofa. The pizza box is laying on the coffee table.

“Fuck yes. Today was shit, I need Dominos.”

Dan moans into the first slice of pizza he bites into. “It’s just. So good. Fuck.”

Phil kind of agrees.

His phone goes off when he’s on his second slice. Dan glares at him.

“Hey! I’m the one feeding you,” Phil says.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Turn your phone off,” he whines.

“It was my mum. She’ll be cross if I don’t return her texts.”

Dan chuckles a little. “Can’t relate.”

Phil ignores that for the time being. “I could always send you home.”

“You wouldn’t. And besides, I can actually cook. Or, kind of,” Dan says, mumbling at the end.

“What about the time you burnt pasta?” Phil asks, because sometimes it’s fun to get a rise out of Dan.

“Oh my god, that was one time! No one taught me anything, how was I supposed to know?”

Dan’s adorable. Phil wants to give him a hug.

He shrugs. “You have to eat that slice,” he says, pointing out one without any toppings left. “It’s got too much cheese for me.”

“You freak, this one doesn’t have any cheese, it all fell off.”

“Well, I’m not going to eat it.”

Dan huffs. “Why are you like this?”

“Again, I’m the one who paid for this. Also, this is my flat.”

“You don’t actually want me to leave,” Dan says. It isn’t a question.

Phil shakes his head. “Course not. Who else would play Mario Kart and watch Netflix with me?”

Dan tries his very best to look annoyed, but he mostly fails. “Then eat the fucking reject slice, if you paid for it.”

“Nope.”

-

A couple of hours later, after they’ve settled into watching something on Netflix and finished off the pizza, Dan says he has to go, eyes darting over to the side. He’s got class early in the morning and doesn’t think he can really afford to miss any more.

Phil wants to ask him to stay, but there never seems to be a good enough reason to, even though he knows Dan doesn’t like his flatmates and would probably rather stay with Phil. At least, Phil hopes he would.

But Phil never asks, so Dan goes out the door, giving Phil one last look, and a little two fingered salute.

Phil sighs when Dan shuts the door behind him, and gets up to lock it.

-

Phil feels it thrumming in his bones, running through his bloodstream, sometimes. It twists circles around his head until his chest tightens.

He always ends up feeling uneasy and unsettled. He shifts around his pillows to try and get more comfortable. It doesn’t help.

He rubs his eyes and decides to give up on sleep for the time being. He reaches over to the bedside table for his glasses, and shoves them on his face. If only Phil’s magic could fix poor eyesight.

Phil gets out of bed and heads into the kitchen to make some tea. He puts the kettle on, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that reminds him that he can make tea without the kettle. It doesn't matter.

He takes comfort in the routine of making tea this way, now. He opens his cupboard and picks out a Hello Kitty mug. It was a gift, and it makes him smile, so he feels no shame in using it.

Dan always makes fun of him for the amount of mugs he has. It's... cute. Dan's sort of slotted himself into Phil's life. Phil likes that he has someone to tease him for things, in the nicest way.

And he's thinking about Dan again. That's alright, he'd rather think about Dan than any of the other things that could be running through his head.

Phil takes his tea into the lounge and sits on the sofa. He stares out of his window and wishes he had a better view to see the sunrise.

He takes a sip of his tea, and it burns the roof of his mouth. This, he's willing to fix. He sighs, and with a flick of his wrist, the tea is a perfect temperature.

He ignores the guilt that settles in his stomach until he gets sleepy again.

-

Phil wakes up slowly to sunlight streaming in from his windows. He feels awful. He can't remember the last time he's actually felt well rested.

He rolls over to look at his phone. It's half eleven.

He's got work to do. Maybe he should go get some coffee. It would do him good to get out.

-

Phil keeps his head down as he walks. He's not sure when that became his default, but somewhere along the line, he learned that it felt safer that way.

He opens the door to Starbucks and walks inside. Dan's off to the other side, making a drink. He waits for Dan to turn around.

"Hey," Phil says.

"Hello, you," Dan says. It makes Phil's heart flutter. He's not equipped to handle this.

"Do you want another pumpkin spice latte?" Dan asks, after Phil doesn't say anything.

He shakes his head. "No, I think I'll have a caramel macchiato. Once was enough excitement for me."

Dan's dimples appear. "All right, Lester."

Phil waits by the counter while Dan makes his drink. There's a bit of a crowd, as it's around lunchtime. Phil fidgets with his right hand and tries not to let his discomfort show too much.

"Here," Dan says, sliding his drink across the counter. Phil picks it up. Dan's drawn a smiley face by his name.

"Wow," Phil says. "I’m surprised this isn’t a sad face.”

“Shut up, Lester. I was trying to be nice.”

Phil reaches out to put a hand on his arm. “Thank you. It’s sweet.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” But he’s smiling.

Phil takes his drink over to a table fairly close to the counter. He can see Dan taking an order, clearly annoyed. He feels something fond swell in his chest.

He pulls out his laptop. He might as well try and get some work done.

Seeing Dan is a good motivator. Or a distraction. Either way, it keeps Phil from being too much of a recluse, although he tends to be fine with that.

Phil makes... a bit of progress. He catches himself staring at Dan more often than necessary. The times Dan catches him, he just smiles. That makes Phil feel all warm inside. That’s... fine.

-

After an hour, Phil’s starting to feel worn out. He feels trapped, like the walls are closing in. His chest is tightening and his palms are getting clammy.

He clenches his right fist and tries to take deep breaths, but it isn’t very effective. He shuts his laptop quickly and gathers up his things.

Phil wants to say goodbye to Dan before he leaves, but he’s talking to a customer, so he steps out the door and braces himself for the gust of the wind.

-

Phil thinks about texting Dan when he gets home but decides against it. He orders takeaway because he’s a useless cook, and waters his houseplants.

A few of them are starting to look wilted, but he can’t find the strength to use any magic. He thinks Dan finds the whole killing plants thing kind of endearing, in a bit of a twisted way.

It’s nice that someone seems to think highly of him. Phil doesn’t know how he’s meant to deserve even that.

Phil turns the telly on to avoid the feelings of failure as they set in again. They seem to follow him around, no matter how hard he tries to forget.

-

Phil dreams of running through forests at night, when everything is dark, hearing his family's voices but not being able to find them. He opens his mouth, but no sound comes out.

He sits up abruptly. His heart is pounding in his chest and his ribcage feels like it’s tightening. A siren passes by on the street below.

He lays back down and tries to breathe.

-

Phil’s sat at his kitchen table, drinking a coffee. He’s trying to be a bit more of a functional adult, and maybe not sitting at the sofa will help.

The words on his computer screen start to blur and he rubs his eyes.

He hears his door open.

“Hello?”

“Jesus Christ, Dan. Why on earth would you do that?”

Dan shrugs. “Your door was unlocked.”

“Oh.” Phil hadn’t realized that.

“I didn’t think you ever used this table,” Dan says.

“Maybe I’m trying to… be more productive.”

Dan pulls out a chair and sits beside Phil. “Does sitting at a table actually help? I wouldn’t know.”

Phil makes a face at that.

“I never do any of the shit I’m supposed to. Fuck, I’m such a failure.”

“Dan. You aren’t a failure. Don’t say things like that about yourself.”

“I mean, I am, but thanks.”

“And I wouldn’t know either. I just thought I should sit somewhere other than my sofa. Maybe it’ll make me feel better.”

“Let me know if it works.”

“I will.”

“You could always come see me?” Dan says. His voice pitches up at the end, like a question.

“I do come to see you. Quite a bit, haven’t you noticed?”

“Yeah, yeah, but it always makes my day a little less shit.”

“You can always come and see me when you’re not working, which you do anyway,” Phil says.

“I know,” Dan says, and shows one of his dimples. “But it’s nice.”

”It is. Sometimes, getting out feels like too much. I don’t know.”

He’s almost afraid of Dan’s reaction, even though Dan’s said the same thing before.

But Dan just nods. “I get that,” he says quietly.

“Thanks.”

“I guess I’ll just have to come and bother you here then.”

“Like you don’t already bother me. Good thing you’re cute, otherwise I’d never let you stay.”

“Oh my god, shut up.”

-

Phil feels like he doesn’t understand Dan, sometimes. Dan talks all at once and then doesn’t say anything at all. He goes around in circles, where Phil can’t catch up, but Phil finds himself captivated all the same.

But then again, Phil hardly understands himself.

He’s so used to feeling incompetent, that he’s always taken aback when he realizes that here, he doesn’t. This is the one thing where he doesn’t have to worry quite so much.

Dan feels like too much, in the best way possible, and Phil doesn’t know how not to be terrified.

He waters his plants again and tries not to feel defeated that one of them has started wilting.

-

“Where are we going?” Phil asks. Dan practically dragged him out of his flat but hasn’t said much else.

Dan shrugs. “I don’t know. Anywhere. I just needed to not be inside anymore.”

Phil nods. He gets that, even if he rarely does anything about it.

“Fuck, sorry. I should have asked you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“It’s alright,” Phil says. “I’m glad you asked me. I’d much rather be spending time with you.”

“Thanks,” Dan says, looking down at his feet.

They walk with no destination in mind. Phil sometimes thinks that the lights are too bright, that there are too many people around for this time of night.

But he looks over and sees Dan’s face bathed in the streetlight. He likes feeling anonymous right now, blending into a crowd of people, all trying to get somewhere. He’s not afraid to keep sneaking glances at the way the light hits the side of Dan’s face.

“Do you want to get a coffee?” Phil asks, because he’s starting to feel tired, and he doesn’t want to be yet.

“Alright. But not at Starbucks, please.”

-

Dan holds the door open for him when they find a coffee shop.

“Go find us a seat,” Dan says. “I’ll order.”

“Are you sure?” Phil asks.

Dan nods. “I should start paying you back for all the meals you buy me.”

“Hey, no. But, thank you.”

Phil finds a sofa by the window. There are hardly any people around, as it’s closing soon. Phil’s grateful for that.

“Here you go,” Dan says, setting down their coffee cups. “Why does this feel vaguely like work?”

Phil laughs. “Because you’re bringing me my drink.”

“Oh, is that my job then?”

“Yes. That and only that.”

“Whatever, Lester. Scoot over so I can sit too.”

Phil does, as much as he can. There’s not actually much room at all.

“Thanks,” Dan says, sitting down. He nudges his knee into Phil’s.

They sit sipping on their drinks for a bit in relative silence. It’s not awkward, and Phil appreciates that immensely. He looks outside the window and watches the cars pass by.

“Can we go?” Dan asks.

“Oh. Yeah, I guess so.”

Dan stands up and holds a hand out to Phil, who takes it to stand up. Dan drops his hand then, and Phil thinks it’s over too soon.

“Alright then.”

-

“It feels cold now,” Dan says. He’s got an arm wrapped around himself in an attempt to keep warm and his breath makes puffs of white against the night.

“You should have brought a coat,” Phil says. They have this discussion a lot. Dan never dresses properly for any type of weather.

“Yeah. I know.”

Phil frowns. Dan usually doesn’t sound so defeated, doesn’t agree right away.

Phil thinks about giving Dan his coat, but he’s sure Dan wouldn’t take it. He finds himself wishing he could do something.

“Should we go back?” he asks.

Dan shakes his head. “Not yet. It- it’s not that bad.”

Phil doesn’t want Dan to make himself miserable. That’s the last thing he wants. He shoves his fingers in his jacket pockets.

“Let’s keep walking,” Dan says, walking without waiting for Phil.

-

They keep walking until they find a park bench to sit at. Phil looks up and finds himself wishing that he could see more of the stars.

Phil looks over at Dan, who’s clutching his now empty coffee cup.

“Jesus, Dan. You’re shivering.”

Dan huffs. “Yeah. I guess I am.”

“Here, at least- just let me,” Phil says, scooting over to Dan. He chews at his lip and puts an arm around him.

“Is this okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Dan breathes. “You’re so warm,” he says, soft.

Phil’s fingertips burn. He focuses on Dan’s close proximity to drown out the guilt. Not now, not now.

Phil tries to will his heart to stop pounding as Dan leans his head onto Phil’s shoulder.

-

The walk back is slower. Dan isn’t in so much of a hurry. Phil thinks he doesn’t want to go home yet, but neither does he.

Dan keeps his closeness to Phil the whole way back, leaning into him, crowding into his space. Phil hopes, hopes, it isn’t just for his warmth. Somehow, he doesn’t think that’s all it is.

He wishes he was brave enough to hold Dan’s hand.

“Are you alright,” Dan asks.

Phil sighs. “Yeah. I’m just tired, is all.” He holds his breath for a moment and lets the feelings of Dan drown out all the hurt.

“Thanks for coming with me. I reckon I shouldn’t have made you go out.”

“I already said that I wanted to.”

“I know. But sometimes I feel like I need to say things again.”

Phil presses his side into Dan’s a bit more.

-

“I’ll see you later?” Dan says, at Phil’s doorway, after they’ve climbed the four flights of stairs.

“Yeah,” Phil says, soft. Always, yes, please.

Dan goes, with a goodnight, even though he always looks like he would’ve d rather stay.

Phil stays at the door for a few extra moments, before locking it and finally going to bed.

-

you should come over here

That's interesting. He thinks he's only been in Dan's flat twice.

Really?

yeah. no one else is here, so

Alright. I'll see you soon then

Phil stops to look in the mirror before he goes. His hair is starting to look droopy and he's got dark circles underneath his glasses. He doesn't think there's much he can do at this point.

He ends up changing his shirt. He doesn't think it actually makes that much of a difference, but Dan's said he likes this one.

He feels vaguely nervous as he goes to knock on Dan's door, which is ridiculous. He should really be over this by now.

"The door was unlocked, you could have come in," Dan says when he opens it. Phil steps inside.

"Sorry," he mumbles.

Dan shakes his head. "No, don't be sorry. Just- never mind."

They go into Dan's room because he says he hates sitting anywhere else.

"You really could have just come to mine, you know I don't mind," Phil says, as he sits down on Dan's bed.

"I know. I'm the only one here, and I just thought. It might be nice, I don't know. Sorry."

"I think we should both stop apologizing."

Dan smiles, just a little. "You're probably right. It's easier said than done though, isn't it."

"Yeah, it is. I catch myself saying sorry for no reason to my mum. She hates it." I'm sorry I'm like this, I'm sorry I was never enough, I'm sorry I couldn't handle it.

"I'm sure mine would too." Dan rarely mentions his family. Phil waits for him to add something else, but he doesn't.

Phil looks around at Dan's room. He’s got a black and grey checkered duvet and a string of fairy lights on his headboard.

Phil reaches out to mess with them. "I like these."

"Thanks."

They fall silent then. It feels... off. It's never really been like that with Dan, and Phil's not quite sure what to do about it.

"This is weird, isn't it?"

Phil turns to look at Dan. "No, I don't think so. It doesn't have to be."

"Here, let's just... play Mario Kart."

"I'll kick your ass."

"You won't, and you know it."

Phil smirks. "I think I will."

-

Phil ends up losing most of the time, but he doesn't mind. He likes seeing Dan get all competitive.

Somehow or another, they shift to watching something on Dan’s bed.

Phil doesn’t realize when it’s over. He doesn’t think he remembers much of the plot at all. He’s been too focused on Dan’s shoulder brushing against his.

“When do your flatmates get home?” Phil asks, for something to say.

Dan shrugs. “No idea. Probably late though.”

Phil hums. He’s staring up at Dan’s ceiling, fingers pulling at the duvet.

“Are you hungry?”

Now that Phil thinks about it, he is. “I could eat.”

-

Phil notices Dan's keyboard sitting in the corner of his room after they’ve eaten the takeaway they ordered.

"Oh! You should play for me." Phil points to it.

Dan scrunches up his nose. "No," he whines. "I'm so shit, you don't want to hear it."

Phil shrugs. "I wouldn't know the difference either way."

"Well, I do."

"Please, Dan?"

"Oh my god, don't pout!"

Phil continues to pout.

"Fine, whatever, you win. Just don't... judge me.”

“You know I wouldn’t do that.”

Dan walks over to the keyboard and turns it on. Phil stays where he is on Dan’s bed.

Dan plays approximately three notes. “Shit, I messed up.”

“I don’t mind,” Phil says, gently.

Dan groans. “You’re making me nervous.”

“You don’t have to if you really don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine. Here.”

Dan starts playing something that Phil vaguely recognizes

“I like it. Sounds nice.”

“Sure it does. But, thanks.” Dan says, and his voice gets softer.

-

Phil’s out on his balcony, wrapped in his green and blue blanket, staring at the sort of view he has. He’s been restless as of late, and this gives him something to do.

Sometimes his hands shake, as they are now, and he could never quite figure out what to do about it.

It’s dark out, even with the glow of the city. He doesn’t feel all too fond of the dark right now.

Phil takes a breath, and conjures a bit of light in his palm. It casts somewhat of an eerie glow over everything, but it makes him feel more at ease for the time being.

He stays until the sun starts to rise, and he realizes he’s gotten a headache.

-

"Where are you going?" Dan asks.

Phil's hand stills with his key still in the lock.

"I just need to pick up a few things," he says, turning to face Dan.

Dan nods. "Alright. Sorry, that's... that was a bit much."

"Here, I'll walk down with you. You going to class?"

Dan sighs. "Yeah. I really don't want to, but like, I can't afford to fail."

"You won't fail."

"You overestimate me. I don't even care about it anymore. I'm only doing this out of some fucked up sense of obligation that I didn't even want."

Phil frowns. He doesn't quite know what to say to all of this. He thinks it over as they start walking down the stairs.

"There's too many bloody stairs," Phil says instead.

Dan laughs a little. "Agreed. But they've been here for this long, so I don't think they're going to go anywhere."

Phil thinks he could probably change the stairs if he tried hard enough, maybe, but that would take loads of explaining that he's not equipped to do.

"Good luck, then," Phil says when they reach the street.

Dan makes a face. "Thanks. I'll need it,” he says, and turns away with a wave.

Phil watches him until he rounds a corner. He shoves his hands into his pockets and starts in the other direction.

-

“It’s kind of nice out here,” Dan says.

They’re on the roof now. The air is cold, nipping at their cheeks, but Phil feels warm.

“Yeah, it is.”

Phil lets himself look over at Dan, face illuminated by the street light in the darkness. The spot on his jaw, just above his chin, is flushed pink. His lips are chapped and red.

He doesn’t notice Dan’s staring back until a few moments too late.

“Hi,” Dan says, warmly.

Phil smiles before looking away. “Hi.”

-

They sit. And talk, without running out of things to say.

Phil loves listening to Dan talk. He listens to the cadence of his voice and wills his heart to still.

Phil wants to tell him, with every fibre of his being. It seems like a perfect moment, if there can be a perfect moment for this sort of thing.

"I always wish you could see more stars here." Dan's looking up at the sky.

Phil takes in his profile, the tilt of his neck. You could, if you wanted to. If I were brave enough, I would do anything you wanted.

Phil takes a deep breath. "Me too.”

-

Dan reaches out to grab his wrist, just before they go.  
“Wait... Phil,” he says, soft.

“What?”

Dan takes a breath. Phil looks up at him, and finds Dan’s eyes darting to the ground. Something is going to happen, he can feel it. It looks like Dan is feeling it too.

“I just...” Phil sees Dan swallow. “I’ll see you later?” It sounds a bit like defeat.

Phil feels his heart sink. He was so sure Dan was going to say something else. He’s not sure how to handle the sudden rush of disappointment.

Phil pulls his hand back. He might be imagining it, but he swears he sees a flash of disappointment on Dan’s face.

“Yeah,” Phil says, and laughs softly. It sounds bitter, even to his own ears.

-

Phil feels like he never sleeps anymore. His mind runs in circles, and it doesn’t seem to stop.

He wants to tell Dan, so badly. He never knows how. It seems like the sort of thing that would make someone run, but Dan has had plenty of time to do that.

He hasn’t yet, but he very well could.

Phil can’t afford to lose him, not yet. Not ever, it feels like.

-

Dan shows up in the afternoon, with two coffees in hand.

“You brought me coffee!”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Yes, I did. You should be grateful.”

Phil shrugs. “Maybe I am.”

“You should probably say thank you.”

Phil smiles. “I reckon I might be able to keep you around.”

“You have no manners,” Dan says, shaking his head.

Phil takes a sip. It must have gone lukewarm from Dan’s walk back. If he makes it a little warmer when Dan isn’t looking, no one has to know.

-

Dan’s still over and they’re watching a film. They’d been sharing a bowl of popcorn earlier, but they finished it as soon as it started. The sun has long since set, and Phil doesn’t really remember it happening.

Phil looks over to see Dan mid yawn.

“Tired, are we?” he asks, teasing.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Shut up. I’ve had a long day.”

Phil nods. He’s feeling a bit tired himself.

Dan’s curled up on the other end of the sofa, feet tucked underneath him. He looks soft and cozy, like he belongs here. Phil likes that.

He doesn’t like the large space between them. He thinks that if he were to somehow move closer Dan wouldn’t mind, but he doesn’t feel brave enough to actually do it. That seems to be a common theme in his life.

Phil stays on his side of the sofa.

-

Phil blinks his eyes a few times and his neck feels stiff. He rubs his eyes - he must have fallen asleep. He looks over to the side.

Dan’s sound asleep. He looks peaceful like this, curled into himself. Phil really doesn’t want to wake him.

“Dan,” he says. Dan doesn’t stir.

He looks like he needs the rest, Phil thinks, as he goes into his bedroom to fetch a spare blanket. He hopes he won’t wake Dan as he comes back to cover him with it, but Dan’s eyes stay firmly closed.

Phil turns off the telly, and goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

-

Phil wakes up vaguely tired, a regular occurrence. He finds his glasses and shoves them onto his face.

He’s fully planning on staying in bed for a bit, maybe even going back to sleep if he can manage it, before his stomach growls. He figures he might as well eat now.

Phil pulls himself up out of bed and walks into the lounge.

There’s curly hair peeking out of a throw blanket on the sofa. Phil feels something tugging at the edges of his heart.

Dan’s still here, looking all small and soft, curled up. Phil takes a few moments to take it in, before turning and walking into the kitchen.

Phil has never been the best cook. He’s fine with that, and he doesn’t really care to learn. Ordering takeaway when his eyes start hurting from looking at his laptop screen for too long suits him just fine. But he can, just a bit, if he wants to.

He decides to make pancakes, instead of his normal breakfast of cereal. Nothing to do at all with the fact that Dan’s asleep in his flat and probably going to wake up soon.

He rummages around his cupboards for the ingredients and lays them out, scattered on the counters.

It’s almost a tedious task, cooking. Phil can never seem to get the measurements right, and always ends up spilling something. He could help himself, a little, if necessary. But Dan is here, and Phil doesn’t think he wants to risk that.

But Dan doesn’t have to know, Phil thinks, as he flicks his wrist. Not if he does this fast enough. Magic is useful for some things at least, and he’ll deal with the negativity that sets in later. Later.

He keeps pushing it off. He’s allowed to do that, he’ll be okay.

Phil is just about to finish the last of it, when he feels hands on his waist.

Phil yelps. Dan lets his hands drop.

“Jesus Christ, Dan. You scared me,” Phil says as he turns around to face Dan. Dan is right there. Phil puts his hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat racing.

“Sorry,” he says. He doesn’t look sorry in the slightest.

“Feel my heartbeat!”

Dan’s hand goes where Phil’s just was. Phil’s fingers cover Dan’s of their own accord. Phil is mostly fine with this. Perhaps more than fine, if he’s being honest with himself.

“Wow mate,” Dan says. “You need to do more cardio.”

“Shut up,” Phil says, and Dan drops his hand down.

“Of course you made pancakes.” Phil looks down at them. Everything looks normal. He takes another deep breath to try and calm down. It’s fine, here.

“Of course I did. Did you want some?”

“Fuck yeah.”

They sit at the table this time. Phil looks at Dan, soft, here with him eating breakfast at his table, and likes it a lot.

“Sorry I fell asleep last night,” Dan says, concentrating hard on moving a bite of his pancake around. “I didn’t think I actually would. Thanks for letting me crash.”

“It’s no problem.” It’s far from a problem, as far as Phil is concerned, but he’s not going to say that yet.

-

“Your hair’s not actually black, is it?”

They’re sitting in the lounge again. This time, however, Dan is so, so close. Their shoulders brush every so often.

“Ah, no. I... I dye it.” He doesn’t dye it, normally. It’s generally worth the effort to just use magic to do it himself rather than spend a whole lot of actual physical time and energy. And he can always get the colour just right.

Dan reaches his hand up to run his fingers through Phil’s hair. Phil holds his breath.

“It’s soft,” Dan mumbles.

Phil’s brain short circuits, like he has no idea what to do here. He doesn’t want it to end.

Dan pulls his hand back abruptly. “Sorry. That was weird, I don’t know why - “

And that’s not what Phil wants at all. “It’s fine, really,”

The distance between them comes back, and Phil isn’t sure how to fix it.

-

"Phil?"

"Hi."

"So I was thinking we could go get sushi tonight? I finally finished writing this fucking essay, I deserve it."

"Dan."

Dan must have picked up on his tone.

"Yeah?" he says. It's quiet, almost.

"I don't think I can tonight. I'm just- just feeling a bit under the weather."

It’s been a lot. Phil doesn’t think he can keep doing this anymore, isn’t sure how long he can let this go on. He’ll let himself rest today, and hopefully feel better in the morning. It probably won’t do much, and even as he says it, he misses Dan.

"Oh." Dan coughs. It sounds forced, and Phil is the one who is supposed to be sick. "Are you okay?"

Phil chuckles a little. "I will be."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry, I did want to see you. Maybe in a couple of days."

"Did you need anything? I could stop by, if you wanted."

Phil shakes his head, before realizing that Dan can't actually see him. "No, that's alright. I wouldn't want you to catch whatever I have. Someone must have sneezed on me. Very rude, and all of that."

"I guess I'll let you go then."

Phil sighs. "Goodnight, Dan."

"Night."

Phil hangs up and drops his phone down onto his chest. His head is pounding. He should have known better.

-

"How was your night?" Phil asks. It’s been a few days since he’s last seen Dan. It feels somewhat off, and Phil doesn’t like feeling like that with Dan.

Dan sighs, a bit loudly. Phil’s not sure that’s necessary, but Dan has always been a little bit dramatic.

“It was - it was fine. Or maybe not, really. I went out with some people from uni. I fucking hate all of them.”

“Dan,” Phil says. He doesn’t quite know what else to say.

“I do though. I hate all of it. Law, uni. I have no idea what I want anymore.”

Phil fidgets with the rips in his jeans. He’s not usually one to go for any bold fashion choices, but he’s been wanting to try new things. And Dan had liked them. That might have been the biggest draw. Either way, he’s glad he has something to do with his hands.

“I missed you.” Dan’s voice is quiet now. Somehow or another, they’ve pressed closer on the sofa, leaning into each other. Phil’s heart sinks, a little.

“I missed you too.”

There’s something here. Phil’s more sure of that than ever. But how can there be if Phil is too scared to tell Dan?

Phil wraps his arm around Dan’s shoulders, and Dan drops his head down. They’ll stay like this for now.

-

Phil waves a hand at the freshly spilt Ribena on the carpet. It comes up easily.

But Phil’s left to deal with the aftermath, tension rising in his shoulders and jaw.

He’s in the middle of casting another spell when he hears a knock at his door. Fuck. He tries to remember to breathe.

“Phil?”

Phil’s heart jumps into his throat. Dan, of course.

“One second!” Phil calls back. He shakes his hands out and takes a deep breath.

He takes a moment to collect himself.

He shakes his hands one more time before walking to the door.

“There you are,” Dan says when Phil opens it. “I was afraid you didn’t want to see me.”

Phil shakes his head. “No. I always want to see you, Dan.” Fuck. That was too soft, too much. Phil coughs.

“Can I come in, then?”

“Oh, right.” Phil steps to the side.

“You’re acting weird.” Dan narrows his eyes. Phil looks away. Dan doesn’t sound the way he normally does when he says it, and Phil doesn’t know what to do with that.

“No, I’m fine, really. Just had a long day.”

“Alright,” Dan says, but he doesn’t look convinced.

-

He misses his family, just a bit. They were always quick to assure him that this was okay, that he was okay.

It’s rather hard to get that from people who have no idea, and it’s even harder when Phil won’t tell them.

Little steps maybe, but that doesn’t seem right either.

-

"Your hands are shaking."

Phil looks down. His hands are, in fact, shaking. He didn't quite realize it.

"Oh. I didn't notice."

“Are you alright?”

Phil takes a breath. No, I think I’m in love with you. I’m not who you think I am, but I can’t afford to lose you.

“Yeah.” He tries to smile. “It must be the coffee. I’ve had too much today, I think.”

Dan gives him a look.

“I have to go,” Phil says.

“Wait - ”

“I’ll talk to you later,” Phil calls over his shoulders.

He stuffs his hands into his pockets to stop the trembling, and gets lost in the noise of the city.

-

He decides to ring his mum. He might have been avoiding her calls, just a bit.

She picks up on the third ring. "Child," she says, as she so often does.

"Hi, mum."

"How are you, then?"

He sighs. "I'm... fine."

"That doesn't sound fine."

"No, no, I am. Just wanted to see how you were doing."

His mum tells him about the new neighbours, about the cakes she’s made, and how his dad is doing. She doesn’t press for answers, and Phil is grateful for that.

He stays on the phone with her for half an hour, until she tells him she has errands to run. Phil lays back and lets the phone drop onto his chest when he hangs up.

-

“Phil.”

Phil’s head snaps up and his eyes shift back into focus.

“Yeah?” he says.

Dan sighs. “Have you even been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”

“Maybe?” Phil has not, in fact, been listening.

“Never mind then.”

“Sorry,” Phil says, quietly. He feels bad about it now.

“It’s fine.”

-

“Where have you been Phil? It feels like you’re always somewhere else.”

“I’m right here.”

“You’re somewhere else in your head, at least.”

Dan is right. Phil always has something on his mind, chasing him around.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, softly.

Dan shakes his head. “You just said that. I thought we agreed not to apologize anymore? I just… I hope you’re okay. And I’m here for you, if you want me.”

Phil tries very hard not to get ahead of himself. He can’t, not just yet.

He isn’t sure what he can say to Dan now to make this any better. He doesn’t want Dan to be worried exactly, but it feels nice, even through all the negativity clouding everything else. It feels nice that someone could care enough to worry about him.

-

“You’re back.”

Phil laughs a little. “Guess I am.”

“Caramel macchiato?”

Phil nods. “Thanks.”

“I’m done in an hour if you wanted to grab dinner?”

Phil nods. “Sure,” he says, hoping it comes out much more casual than he feels. He’s not sure it works.

Sometimes spending time with Dan feels like he’s stealing little moments, like he’s a kid stealing sweets from the cupboard again.

Phil doesn’t want to feel like that anymore. He wants, and he wants to do that

-

Phil wants it to be a date. He wants it to be a date so badly. He sits and waits at the table, bouncing his leg on the chair to get out some of his nervous energy.

He keeps sneaking glances at Dan, he just can’t help it. Dan is just so pretty, and Phil wants to keep staring.

“Are you ready?” Dan asks, walking over to Phil’s table.

Phil’s spaced out, idly watching the bustling streets outside. He turns to face Dan.

Phil takes a breath. “Yeah, I am.”

Dan smiles back at him, and Phil wants to keep that look on his face forever.

-

They walk down the street, shoulders bumping together. Their fingertips brush on more than one occasion, and Phil wishes he were brave enough to grab Dan’s hand right here in the middle of the street.

But being exposed in broad daylight is already terrifying enough, so Phil tucks his hands into his pockets instead.

“After you,” Dan says, holding the door open for him.

-

Their feet touch under the table and Phil’s heart beats faster in his chest.

“What?” Dan’s looking at Phil with a small smile on his face, and Phil feels sort of exposed in the way it makes his chest flutter

“Nothing,” Dan says, eyes cutting away shyly. “I just. Like you a bit.”

And Phil doesn’t know what to say to that.

-

The walk back is even nicer.

They press in closer together, and when they’re almost home, Dan reaches down and slots their fingers together.

Phil takes a deep breath and tries to focus on how much he likes it.

-

“Hi,” Dan says, when they’ve shut the door to Phil’s flat behind them.

“Hi,” Phil says back, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

Dan places a hand on his cheek very gently. He waits just long enough for Phil to pull away if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want that at all, so Dan leans in and kisses him.

-

“Phil,” Dan says, later. “You had to have known, right? I’m about the least subtle person in the world.”

Phil runs his hand through the back of his hair. “I didn’t. Well, maybe I did a bit, but I.” Phil swallows. “I didn’t want to get disappointed.”

Dan laughs, sharply. “I can’t promise I won’t be a disappointment, but I can try my best.”

-

Phil lets himself have it, at first. He lets himself have the newness of it all, mixed with the familiarity of knowing Dan so well.

He tries very hard not to think of anything else.

“Dan,” he says.

He’s terrified.

Dan must know something is off. “Yeah?” he asks. He looks unsure, and he taps his hand absentmindedly on the table.

“There’s... there’s something you should probably know.”

“Oh god. You’re not like… breaking up with me, are you?” Dan asks, his voice pitching up at the end. Phil doesn’t even have time to spend on the way Dan sounds.

Phil shakes his head. “It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“Alright then.”

Dan looks at him expectantly. “Fuck,” Phil says under his breath. “I don’t know how to say this.”

Dan rubs a hand on the back of his neck. He lets out a weak laugh. “You’re kind of scaring me mate.”

“I’m magic,” Phil blurts out. Shit.

Dan’s eyebrows are furrowed in confusion. “What?”

“I’m, a bit, magic. Or something.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I can do things that I shouldn’t be able to do, I guess.” This was such a bad idea.

“I don’t... but what do you mean by that?”

Phil shrugs. His hands are shaking.

“What - I don’t… are you actually serious?”

Phil sighs. “Do you think I would make up this elaborate of a lie?”

“I’m sorry Phil, but this is - fuck. I don’t really know what to think.”

Phil should have known better. He shouldn’t have gotten this close to someone. There’s a reason that he doesn’t seek that out anymore, and it’s coming back to hurt him.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to see me anymore,” he says. That’s all he can say at this point.

Dan kisses him squarely on the mouth, and Phil doesn’t even have time to react.

“I like you, you idiot. I just… wasn’t expecting this.”

Phil feels like he’s flying. It’s too much, Dan doesn’t even know what’s going on. Phil should tamp down the hope blooming in his chest.

“It’s gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of me, mate.”

-

“So what can you do then?” Dan asks. He seems slightly nervous, a little uneasy. Phil can't entirely blame him, even though he doesn't love the way it feels.  
  
Phil shrugs one of his shoulders. “I dunno. It’s mostly useless stuff, really. I can move things around, sometimes. I can keep plants thriving, that sort of thing.”  
  
“Then why the hell are your houseplants always dying.”  
  
Phil sighs. “I’m not the best at it. It drains me every time. It already makes me feel bad, so why would I make myself feel worse? And I’ve never really tried all that hard.”  
  
“Okay."  
  
"Here, let me just..." Phil waves his hand towards Dan's drink. "Take a sip."  
  
Dan gives him a curious look, but picks it up anyways.  
  
"Oh! It's cold."  
  
Phil nods. "Yeah."  
  
Dan groans. "Brain freeze," he says, holding his head in his hands.  
  
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry."  
  
Dan laughs. "It's alright. Can you change it back though?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Here."  
  
Dan takes another sip. "Thanks."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Is that it?"  
  
"No," Phil says. He's not sure what Dan wants to see, and he's not sure and he's not sure what he should say. "I can show you some stuff if you want. Not here, though. It's not really all that interesting."  
  
"Phil, you're like, actually magic. I think that's pretty fucking interesting."  
  
As much as Phil likes hearing that someone is interested, that someone is still here, he still doesn't quite know how to feel. He looks down.  
  
"Did I say something wrong?" Dan asks.  
  
Phil shakes his head. "No, no. It's just... complicated I guess. I never really even let myself imagine telling anyone."  
  
"But you told me?"  
  
Phil smiles. "I did."  
  
He looks up and Dan’s smiling right back at him.  
  
-  
  
"Turn off the lights."  
  
Dan raises his eyebrows, and Phil rolls his eyes. “Go on.”  
  
Dan walks over a few steps and flips the switch off.  
  
Phil conjures a small bit of light in his hand.  
  
"What the fuck," Dan says, quietly.  
  
Phil laughs. "I can't do any of this shit for very long, so enjoy it while you can."  
  
"Can I, like, touch it?"  
  
"I guess so? I don't think it really does anything."  
  
Dan's fingers run over his palm, soft.  
  
"Wow."  
  
Phil throws his hand up, and tiny sparks of light fill the room.  
  
"Phil," Dan whispers.  
  
"Why are you whispering?" Phil asks, laughing.  
  
"I don't know." Dan's still whispering. He clears his throat. "It just… feels like I should be quiet or something."  
  
"Well thanks? I think."  
  
"You're so - you're so fucking amazing."  
  
"Dan."  
  
Phil's starting to forget he’s supposed to be scared of this. Scared of letting people get to close, in case they might not want to stick around. But when Dan presses his lips against Phil's, he forgets entirely.

  
-

“It’s not great,” Phil says, later. They’re in Phil’s bed and Dan is running a hand through Phil’s hair.

“It’s not like I asked for any of this, you know? I was already a weird kid, I didn’t need any of this added on top of it.”

No amount of magic could make Phil more likable growing up. He tried, often, when he was a kid, but no one wanted to play with him.

"It's alright, dear," his mother had said to him.

Phil didn't think it was alright at all. So, he learned to adapt.

His parents hadn't quite known what to do with him. What do you do with a child that can make things fly?

"I wouldn't do that at school," his mum said, and Phil couldn't understand why.

Phil remembers being twelve or thirteen, thinking that he could make more friends by showing off some of his skills. He had never tried to do that on purpose before. Most of the kids from his class were there, and so was the boy he fancied.

Once, he thought that he could make more friends by showing off some of his skills. The boy he fancied called him a freak.

Phil’s sure he wouldn’t have been kind even if Phil didn’t have magic. That had stung for a long time.

But he has Dan now, who holds him as he talks, telling stories in circles.

“Fuck, Phil.”

“It’s alright now,” Phil says, and he means it.

-

Phil thinks he’ll always feel inadequate in some ways, always a little bit out of place.

But he has Dan for now, and he’s going to let himself have this.

**Author's Note:**

> reblog on [tumblr](https://fairylocal.tumblr.com/post/188050249344/title-i-wonder-why-i-tear-myself-down-to-be)


End file.
